There was a woman that fit the Western model of a yogi stereotype, flexible and lean. She, however, felt ugly in her skin and disconnected from her body.
One Christmas, the three sisters of the woman gifted her with a yoga beginner set, including a mat, block, strap and DVD, and a 10-class pass to a small local studio. After years of practice and becoming more associated with her body, while on her yoga mat in class during a child’s pose, God said “TEACH.” It felt clear as day in her soul, her first embodied encounter with God of that kind, and she pretty much stayed in child’s pose crying the remainder of the class.
The yogi told her husband in excited caution because yoga training is expensive. He supported her decision to learn more about this movement practice that helped her feel less ugly in her skin, and chose to work overtime to pay the bill. After nine months of reading books on yoga philosophy, anatomy, and yoga teaching techniques; coming together for hours long weekend study and discussion sessions; and taking a minimum of two weekly practices together in the studio; a small group of dedicated yoga students graduated.
She wrote her intention statement for using the course material on teaching a flow style of Christian yoga, and was not offered a class at the studio. The yoga world behaved ugly toward her. Disheartened, but still clearly feeling called to teach a Jesus-on-the-mat experience, she scheduled a meeting with the pastor that baptized her. From behind the desk, he made a statement that he was worried yoga would bring satan into the building. By the end of the meeting, she had lost her house of worship. Religion had acted ugly toward her.
Now totally broken-hearted, she cried and practiced on her mat at home alone for three months. In the midst of her depression, she continued to care for her babies, tried to be a good mother and wife, and watched church on television. One day a close friend of the yogi said she had a dream, and the yogi needed to meet her at a local area church for Sunday’s service.
With a new direction and anticipation, the yogi and her friend attended the church together. Not wanting to get too attached, after the service, the yogi sought out the pastor’s wife to admit her call to sharing the practice of yoga with Christians. Instead of rejecting her, the pastor’s wife admitted to teaching spinning and was very excited to hear about another wellness instructor in the congregation. The yogi had found both a church and a potential location to start her classes in one conversation! God is so good! And he often works beyond our understanding.
The yogi scheduled a meeting with the pastor and his wife to discuss her calling to teach a Christ filled mat movement class with worship music. By the end of the meeting, she had a new house of worship and a class start date. They were welcoming and supportive, and her relationship with church meetings and buildings was rekindled.
Feeling less ugly, the yogi boldly stepped into her calling, even asking the church to purchase her first set of yoga blocks and straps. With classes going well, the yogi felt supported and she was building community. After weeks of teaching, the pastor’s wife came to the yogi with a suggestion to seek support from a Christian yoga school she found online.
The yogi told her husband, but he reminded her that yoga training is expensive and of the sacrifices he made so she could complete her original training. Together they agreed that she would need to earn what the original training cost, plus the amount needed for a deposit before registering.
After six months of teaching, the yogi registered to learn with the Christian yoga school. She was excited to join a group of Christian yogis, and to travel without her children for a week-long learning immersion. Upon arrival at the immersion, she felt welcomed and met many beautiful and kind women both in leadership and as comrades.
However, after dinner on the second night the yogi started vomiting. She wasn’t able to be present for testimony time and started to become ostracized as a result. As the community of women continued to share, learn, and pray together, she was sleeping in the hallway outside the bathroom on the floor. Her first Christian yoga training experience was ugly.
The yogi made only a handful of Christian yoga friends, and left the immersion feeling weak, defeated and alone. She felt supported in the group as a whole, but did not have the immersion experience she had hoped for. After a week of feeling sick, she felt disappointed and ugly in her body.
Once the yogi returned to teaching in local area churches, she gathered a community of movement worshipping people and proclaimed herself a movement discipleship business owner. She still felt bold and supported in her calling.
Business began to spread and grow. However, along with the growth was an increase in opinions. Christians would comment negatively and condemn her worship style. Christians were acting ugly toward her.
She turned to her new Christian yoga community for support, but instead found herself comparing her practice, teaching style, and business with that of her teachers and peers. Her chosen community unintentionally fueled her doubt through comparison. She couldn’t obtain some of those advanced poses or higher states of mediation. She didn’t have the financial assets to go on yoga retreats. She felt ugly.
Now although it felt like the Christian yoga community was acting ugly toward her, in reality, the yogi was isolated and had become separated from her Father in heaven. She was listening to the lies of the enemy, and he was promoting unworthiness. At this point the yogi was feeling pretty defeated. Although she knew she was called into this style of discipleship, she was ready to give up. Who would want the ugly yogi as a teacher? She took to her mat and lamented, cried, moved, and released. This was her sacred space, and God continued to meet her there.
After pouring out the toxic mindsets, God began opening doors in a big way. She went for a massage, during which had a vision she was teaching in a space she had never seen before. She shared this vision with the massage therapist and was blown away to find out it was a space she was hoping to rent to a movement instructor. They exchanged business cards and started working together. God is so good! The yogi shifted her business plans joyfully and felt good in her body.
The yogi built a strong schedule and private clientele to pay the bills and earn some income too! She gained in confidence. Although she was still comparing her practice and business model to others, the local community was expanding. However, after two years at the wellness center, the building was sold and the massage therapist moved away. The yogi had to pivot her plans again.
The yogi went back to teaching in local area churches. One encounter can plant a seed! With each location and schedule shift and change, she was introduced to new students, some students remained the same, while others drifted away from community. The transitions are always challenging emotionally and economically, but the yogi continued to feel led to disciple from the mat in this way. When she appreciated the assets that she had and all of the opportunities that God gives, she was more apt to live as a vessel of love. She chose to stand firm on her foundation. The closer she stays to Jesus, the more confident and beautiful she feels and the more inspired her classes are because she is teaching from a full cup.
Throughout all of the shifts and changes over the years, the yogi regularly encountered ugly behavior. Classically trained yogis and religious church people were ugly and critical of her fusion of movement with Biblical wisdom. She also had to encounter her own ugly thoughts and negative mindsets – maybe she was an imposter!? But God continued to lead the way. Continuing to faithfully step into her role and enjoy the moment, the yogi’s ugly veil lifted. Only one opinion of her really mattered. God is so good, and He is the only one qualified to judge the world.
I praise you, for I am
fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
My soul knows it very well.
Psalm 139:14 (ESV)
The ugly yogi never really was ugly. It was comparison and criticism that blurred her lens of truth. Regardless if she fit the yoga stereotype or not, she was CALLED. Once she embraced her unique calling, however strange it was, her inspiration flowed. She knew deep into her soul this is what God told her to do.
It is not fair that she came up against the ugly opinions of others. They are allowed to have their perspectives. However, once she stood in her truth, in the remembering the sensation that day of His promoting on her yoga mat, she is filled with gratitude and awe. Each embrace of the Holy Spirit is uniquely impacting. She stepped into her identity in Christ and embraced the role of Mat Discipleship Leader. She dug so deeply into Bible studies because she was counted on to serve from a full spiritual cup. If there wasn’t time in study then the practices weren’t as inspired. But she doesn’t have to have it all figured out either! God is leading the way.
The yogi now embodies that she is fearfully and wonderfully made and no longer feels the compulsion to live to someone else’s standards or compare her path to anyone else’s. If she is on the path of Jesus, chasing after him with her heart, soul, mind, and strength, then she is strengthening her most important relationship and learning how to follow and disciple like Him.
God is fair and generous.
The world usually isn’t.
Where is your focus?
Published Fall 2021, Christian Yoga Magazine)
Image @michellewaughbrinkley
